Casualties
by Brianna Sterling
Summary: A special occasion approaches and reminds Jay of his time in Afghanistan, causing nightmares and breakdowns.


"_Hey you shit bag, give me back the phone!" Briggs shouted from the front seat while Jay pressed the speaker to his hear._

"_Hey Gia, Briggs can't talk right now, he's busy making bad dad jokes." Jay said. The men in the truck laughed and Briggs rolled his eyes._

"_He's just prepping." Gia chuckled from the other end of the line._

"_No I don't think so Gia, his jokes have always been terrible." Jay said._

"_Don't rib him too hard Jay, he's sensitive." Gia replied. Jay laughed and passed the phone back to Briggs who quickly pressed it to his ear and started mumbling words of affection._

"_She said you're sensitive Briggs." Jay shouted over the roar of the engine. Mouse cackled from beside Jay and elbowed him._

"_Leave him alone Jay, he might cry." Mouse said._

"_How about I kick both your assess when we get back to base and we'll see who is sensitive." Briggs shouted back at them._

"_You all talk a lot of shit for people who got their asses handed to them at football last week." Michaels looked back at them in the rearview mirror and grinned._

"_Only because you cheated!" Mouse shouted his reply._

"_I cheated because you fell on your face? Ok Greg." Michaels laughed while Mouse grumbled, he hated being called Greg._

"_Complaining, as usual." Briggs replied to something Gia said on the phone. Jay turned to look at Mouse and something in the morning sun caught his eyes, a flash, someone was out there. Jay opened his mouth to warn his brothers to be on the lookout, but it was too late, something slammed into the truck and sent it into the air. Jay felt the breath leave his lungs before the impact of his head against the side of the truck sent him spinning into unconsciousness._

* * *

He jerked awake, his eyes popping open and his body jerking upward. Jay clenched his teeth as his breaths came in short sharp gasps and his heart hammered against his ribcage.

"Shit." he rubbed a hand over his face and tried to calm his breathing. A hand on his back made him jump. He didn't mean to, but adrenaline was pulsing through him and he couldn't help himself.

"Hey." a voice, heavy with sleep, but gentle, whispered behind him. Jay felt her arms circle his middle as she pressed her naked skin against his back. His breathing was slowing and his racing heart easing, but he still felt like hell. Ruth rubbed her fingers into his abdomen, trying to ground him, reminding him of where he was and that he was safe.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ruth asked softly. Jay shook his head and slipped his fingers through hers where they were rubbing.

"You're shaking." She whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to his back. Jay's hand tightened over hers and she tightened her arms.

"I'm going to get something to drink." He said as he pulled away from her, leaving her in the bed to go to the kitchen. It only took him and moment to get some water, but when he turned back from the refrigerator, Ruth was standing at the counter, her robe hanging loosely around her.

"If you're going to stay up pacing, then I'll keep you company." She said, coming around to stand next to him.

"Baby, go back to bed." Jay said softly. She shook her head and pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder as she passed to get her own water. He hated doing this to her, he hated that his mind wouldn't allow him to rest. He hated it so much.

"I know you're stressed, maybe we should take a few days off and go to the beach." She said. Jay snorted and caught her hand when she turned to walk back around him.

"Where would we go?" he asked. She grinned and her eyes sparkled with mischief as she leaned into him.

"Anywhere you want to go." Ruth replied. Jay kissed her forehead and her hands slid up his back. He didn't want to think about his nightmares anymore, all he wanted to do was forget.

"What if I just want to stay here with you?" he asked. Before she could answer he dipped and lifted her easily onto the countertop. She let out a shout of surprise, but swiftly wrapped her arms and legs around him, keeping him in place.

"Then do it, take off work and stay here with me." She said, slowly peppering kisses over his face. Jay tugged her closer to him and kissed her neck. She was so warm and he was so tired and worn down.

"Come back to bed with me." She whispered, allowing her robe to fall open more. Jay nodded and pulled her off the counter, she wrapped herself around him and continued to kiss him as he walked them back toward their room. At least he would be able to forget for a little while.

* * *

Jay walked up the steps to the small three bedroom house in the outskirts of Chicago. There were blue balloons on the mailbox and streamers hung all over the porch. It was very much a child's birthday party, and if there were any doubt, as soon as he reached the door, it burst open and three children came running out. Jay looked back to see Ruth dodge the children and trot up the steps after him. He held his hand out to her and she took it, a large smile lifting her lips.

"Thanks for waiting." She said sarcastically and nudged him. Jay chuckled and took the present that she was handing him.

"I thought you were right behind me." He replied.

"You almost let me get taken out by a gang of children." She whispered and followed Jay into the house.

"They wouldn't have hurt you too bad." Jay said, chuckling at her phrasing.

"Hey!" a loud voice pulled them from their conversation and Jay looked up to see Gia Briggs coming toward them, her smile bigger than he remembered.

"Hey Gia." Jay smiled and wrapped her in a hug as she approached.

"I'm so glad you two could make it." Gia said softly in his ear.

"Wouldn't miss it." He said. Gia released him and turned to his right.

"Hi precious." She hugged Ruth and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"We've missed you." Ruth said. Gia nodded and pulled back a little, still hanging on to Ruth's shoulders.

"It's better for us out here." She said. Ruth nodded her understanding.

"Ryan! Come see your Uncle Jay." Gia shouted behind her. Jay looked up as a small child came running from where he was playing with a birthday present. It always shocked Jay how much the little boy looked like his dad, someone who would never see him grow up. Jay stomach bottomed out and his throat tightened. Seeing Ryan was hard, but Jay had made a promise and he intended to keep it, no matter how painful it was.

"Hey buddy." Jay put on a big smile and kneeled down in front of the boy.

"Hey." He said in a small voice. Jay looked into his big brown eyes and felt his chest tighten. He had only talked to Ryan twice in his life and both times had been gut wrenching, only serving to remind him of the friends that he had lost.

"I brought you a gift." Jay said, holding the bag forward. Ryan beamed and took the gift from Jay's hands, ripping into it. He pulled out the chess game and grinned up at Jay.

"It's um…it's chess." Jay said slowly, his emotions causing his heart to pound and his stomach to turn. This was the first time he'd brought a gift to Ryan because he knew this was the first time he'd remember it.

"My dad's favorite." Ryan said with a small chuckle. Jay felt like someone punched him in the gut and he found it hard to breathe. He didn't know it would be this hard. He knew it would be tough, but he never imagined himself not being able to breathe or form words. But he couldn't, his stomach was in knots and he thought he was going to pass out.

"That's right Ryan." Ruth's voice broke through Jay's panic and her hand landed on his shoulder.

"Jay got it for you so you two could play together. He used to play with your dad, so he thought maybe he could teach you." Ruth supplied. Ryan looked at Jay and continued to grin.

"Fun!" he shouted happily.

"Yeah." Was all Jay could manage. Ryan threw his arms around Jay and it was shocking to his system, his entire body tensed.

"Thank you, Uncle Jay." Ryan said softly. Jay just nodded, and when Ryan released him and turned to go back to friends, Jay stood and made a B-line for the bathroom. He couldn't breathe, he just needed air, he needed space. He found the bathroom and ducked inside, gasping for air. Everything felt too tight, his clothes, the room, his chest. He backed up against the wall of the bathroom and slid down to the floor, trying to get a grasp on his emotions. Seeing Ryan brought so many memories to the forefront, this was why he hadn't done it before, this was why he only ever saw the kid from a distance. Jay's eyes were pulled to the bathroom door as it opened and Ruth slipped inside. Her eyes were wide with concern as she quickly tossed her purse onto the bathroom floor. Jay watched her drop to her knees in front of him, and he was suddenly aware of the fact that she was wearing one of her favorite sun dresses and surely the bathroom floor was not a place for it. But then her hands were on his face and she was lifting him to look at her.

"Hey baby, hey, look at me." She said softly. Jay peered up into her bright blue eyes and focused on her fingers rubbing into his face.

"Your dress." He managed.

"Forget about it." She shook her head and pulled him in, gathering his body against her as much as she could. She was small in stature, but she managed to cradle his head against her chest. Jay wrapped his arms around her middle and laid against her.

"Just breathe." She whispered and rubbed one hand down his back, slipping it beneath his shirt to stroke his skin while her other hand stayed on his face, holding him to her. He took a few deep breaths and calmed his racing heart. He still felt nauseous, but it was passing. The whole while, Ruth just held him, allowing him to break and put himself back together while she just stayed with him. He didn't trust anyone to see him this way, only Ruth, but after so long, he almost felt like a burden. She was always there for him, always pulling him back from the brink.

"Put your head on the tile, it's cool." She whispered and pulled him onto the floor with her until they were lying down on the cool bathroom floor, facing each other. Ruth kept her hand on his neck, rubbing her thumb into his skin.

"Do you remember when we first met?" she asked softly. Jay nodded and watched her blue eyes narrow, waiting for his answer.

"You hated me." He said. Ruth snorted and shook her head, rubbing a finger down his nose.

"I didn't hate you, not even a little. You ticked me off, but I was yours from the moment you came into the medical tent with busted ribs." She said.

"You could have let me know sooner. Would have kept me from making a fool of myself." He replied. Ruth chuckled and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his.

"It was fun seeing you squirm." She said. Jay closed his eyes and just let her lay with him.

"I'm sorry for doing this to you." he said. Ruth shook her head and squeezed the back of his neck while she kissed the tip of his nose.

"Don't ever apologize. You're doing so much better than you were when we first came back. Hell, you're doing better than you were six months ago. Everyone breaks once in a while. I don't mind laying on bathroom floors with you, so long as you'll do it with me when I need it." She said. Jay chuckled and felt a certain amount of relief, he never wanted to burden her.

"You'll tell me if you ever want to leave? If you ever get tired of this?" he asked. Ruth pressed another kiss to his cheek, right below his eye.

"You're not a burden to me Jay Halstead. If you were I would have cut your ass loose years ago. If I where going to leave you, I would have done it during those first few years when you refused to get help. I'm too invested now." She said with a smile. Jay chuckled and pulled her the rest of the way across the floor into his chest. His heart was still hammering and his stomach was still in knots, but it was fading. Just a few more minutes on the floor and he'd be better.

* * *

_Jay could hear the rapid sounds of gunfire, but it sounded distant, like it was muffled for some reason. His head was pounding and everything around him was dark._

"_Halstead!" a muffled voice screamed over the sounds of gunfire. Jay tried to move, but his side protested, screaming in agony._

"_Jay, come on buddy, we need you!" he recognized the voice, but his body begged him not to move. Jay tried to remember what had happened to cause him so much pain, and all he could recall was laughing with Briggs. A hand grabbed his shirt and yanked him upward, before slamming him back against a hard object. Jay's eyes shot open as pain ripped through him and pulled a sharp shout from him._

"_Come on Jay!" the same voice shouted and Jay finally got his eyes open. Everything was blurry at the edges and his head was pounding with the effort, but he managed to see Mouse in front of him. Mouse was bleeding from a deep gash across his forehead and his wide eyes looked terrified. He pressed a hand to Jay's chest and shook a little._

"_Get your gun man." Mouse said sharply. Jay could hear the gunfire all around them and suddenly he remembered what happened, something had hit their truck._

"_What's happening?" Jay asked, groaning as he tried to sit up. He looked down and found a piece of metal imbedded in his side. It wasn't huge, but it was there and it burned like fire._

"_We got blown off the fucking road. They're shooting at us from the hill, don't know how many." Mouse shouted. Jay nodded and grabbed his gun which was next to him. He had to help, even if he was messed up. He grabbed the side of the turned over truck and pulled himself up. White hot agony shot through his side and down his leg, stealing his breath, but he forced himself up, gasping as he shouldered his weapon._

"_Where are Briggs and Michaels?" Jay asked. He looked back over his shoulder and didn't see anyone else around._

"_Briggs is on the left front, Michaels is dead." Mouse replied. Jay shook his head, refusing to believe that, he shoulder his weapon and fired off a few shots. His head was pounding painfully and he was certain it was bleeding based on the cold wet feeling on the back of his neck, but he had to focus. He zeroed in on one of the combatants and squeezed the trigger twice. The man fell and Jay pulled himself to the side of the truck. He groaned as the movement pulled at his side, but he fought through it, breathing harshly through his clenched teeth. He edged around the truck and came up behind Briggs right as a bullet ripped through his neck. Jay didn't have time to think, he didn't have time to freeze and process the shock, he fell forward, ducking the bullets that came their way and he yanked Briggs back behind the truck. Jay felt the metal in his side move, he cried out against the pain, it was animalistic and it hurt his throat, but it was all he could do, he had to get his friend to safety. His lungs burned and his body screamed in agony, but he couldn't stop._

"_Briggs is down!" he shouted at Mouse. Jay put his hands over Briggs' throat, trying to keep the blood inside his body._

"_Hang on man, hang on." Jay shouted. Briggs' big brown eyes blinked up at him and he gasped, clearly trying to speak._

"_Just stay quiet, we're going to get you out of here." Jay said._

"_They're coming down the hill Jay, I need you!" Mouse shouted. Jay couldn't leave Briggs, he would bleed out if he took his hands off him. Mouse returned fire, the popping of the gun making Jay jump as he pressed down on Briggs' throat._

"_Jay." Briggs' voice, rough and pained whispered._

"_Shh, just stay quiet." Jay said. Briggs shook his head and Jay knew he wasn't going to stop speaking, he also knew he wasn't going to make it back to base. So when Briggs started to mumble, Jay leaned down so he could hear him._

"_Take care of…Gia and…the baby." He managed. Jay nodded and felt his chest tighten._

"_Jay!" Mouse screamed his name as the gunfire got closer._

"_I will, I will." Jay said._

"_Promise." Briggs said, his eyes fluttering shut._

"_Yeah, I swear man, I swear." Jay said. He could feel himself getting lightheaded and he knew he was losing blood, but he couldn't make himself leave Briggs._

"_Halstead! Now!" Mouse's panicked voice pulled Jay from Briggs' side, he was gone, there was nothing he could do for him. When he turned, he was met with two men bearing down on them and Jay didn't have time to raise his gun before one grabbed him._

* * *

"Jay!" a sharp scream pulled Jay from his sleep and the nails digging into his wrist forced his eyes open. Jay looked down into Ruth's horrified eyes, she was lying beneath him and Jay's hand was firmly around her throat. Terror lashed through him and he leapt away from her and off the bed. Ruth scrambled backward against the headboard, her own hand going to her throat where Jay's had been moments earlier.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Was all he could say. What had he done? In all the years they'd been together, he'd never had a dream so bad that he'd grabbed Ruth. She watched him for a few moments as pain overwhelmed him. What had he done?

"Did I hurt you? Are you alright?" Jay asked, he couldn't even look at her, his eyes were glued to the ground.

"I'm fine Jay." She said softly and he heard the bed move. When he looked up, she was walking toward him.

"No! Stay over there, stay away from me." He couldn't bare to look at her, the woman who had stood by him through it all, who had healed him so often, she was his savior, and he had choked her, he had put his hand around her throat and hurt her.

"Jay." She said, her voice softening more.

"No, no." he turned and grabbed his shirt, tugging it over his head quickly.

"I'm going to go to a hotel." He said.

"Jay please, look at me." She said. He could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Ruth. I didn't mean to hurt you." He moved toward the door, but she grabbed him and held firmly.

"Look at me Jay Halstead, right now." Her voice was stern and she'd only ever used it with him when she was trying to make a point. Jay met her eyes briefly and they held no anger, no fear, only pain and sadness.

"I'm not hurt, look at my neck." She said. He shook his head and she grabbed his hand roughly, putting it to her throat. Jay ripped away and backed up, he felt like he was going to vomit.

"I know you didn't mean to Jay, I'm not scared of you, please talk to me." She said. Jay's stomach turned harshly and his mouth flooded with saliva. It was all he could do to make it to the bathroom and fall to the floor before the vomit came. He heaved into the toilet as images flashed through his mind. All he could see were her eyes, so bright and scared. He felt a cold cloth press over the back of his neck and he wanted to pull it off, he didn't deserve her kindness, he didn't deserve any of it.

"Shh, just breathe baby." She whispered and kneeled beside him as he heaved again.

"Leave me alone Ruth. Please." He begged.

"Not going to happen." She whispered and rubbed her hand down his back. The heaving stopped and a cold sweat covered his body, his stomach was still in pieces and he felt like his heart was going to explode.

"I could have killed you." He said as he managed to turn his head to look at her. Ruth's eyes softened and she shook her head.

"You were having a terrible dream. I tried to wake you, I know better." She said. Jay sat back on his haunches and shook his head rapidly.

"No, no, that should have never happened. I fucked up. God I fucked up." Jay dropped his head into his hands and sobbed, he couldn't keep it in any longer. The dreams, losing Briggs, seeing Briggs' son, all of it was too much, and now he was hurting the person he cared about the most.

"Do you remember what I told you when I stayed in your tent for those two weeks after Briggs was killed?" she asked. Jay felt her hands slid around his side and her cool cheek pressed against his back as she held him. He remembered, he would never forget.

"I told you that no matter where you went, no matter how far you ran, I'd follow. I told you that no matter how far you retreated into your mind, I'd be there to pull you back. I told you we would do it together Jay." She whispered. He could feel his back becoming wet and he knew she was crying. He couldn't stand the thought, so he turned in her arms and gently touched her face, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"Don't, please don't cry baby." He said softly. She looked up at him and the tears in her eyes made the blue seem even more vibrant.

"I'm not going to leave you Jay, I'm here, for better or worse." She said.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He said softly before pulling her against him and pressing kisses into her hair.

"We'll go see Dr. Nichols tomorrow. It'll be alright, we'll get through this just like we've gotten through everything else." She said.

"Lay with me." Jay said. She nodded and they slid down onto the cold tile floor, holding each other the entire time. His head was spinning and his stomach was still tied up, he couldn't believe what he had done.

"I'm sorry I'm so fucked up." He whispered. Ruth smiled a little and shrugged.

"We're both fucked up." She said. Jay snorted and allowed her to kiss him. She moved her mouth over his slowly and when she pulled back, her tears were gone. Jay wanted to tell her it would all be better tomorrow, but he didn't know, he never knew, living with what had happened to him in Afghanistan was a constant battle, but he knew she struggled too, and he knew she understood, he knew she didn't blame him, and he could heal with her there.

"I love you." She whispered against the side of his mouth.

"I love you too." He replied.


End file.
